Putting My Name On It

I am Julia King Boone.

I'll be real with you. I keep editing this piece and avoid posting it because it's not "done" yet, but I am relieving myself of the need to be perfect. Come along on the ride with me!

When you're an entrepreneur, your name and your face become part of your business—especially when providing 1:1 consultations, personal guidance, and facilitating the raw truth of an intuitive reading. Your personhood is key to meet a client where they are and build trust that leads to transformation.

One of the most challenging parts of starting this business has been an old limiting belief I was carrying: "It's not safe to be seen as I truly am."

I'm actively shedding this old way of being, and I want to share one chapter of my personal lore of how this belief became ingrained in my psyche. There's so much to unpack about my journey through religion and faith, healing and self-discovery. I'd love to tell you more about it one day. For now, I’ll focus on my journey through the fear of being seen and known by name.

Dissolving of Self

You may not know I grew up as a deeply devoted Christian, raised in an intentional, local community–involved with and surrounded by multiple denominational traditions including charismatic Roman Catholic and Evangelical Presbyterian. This context informs so much of who I am today–from the wonderful qualities I value to the deeply challenging trauma and fallout from childhood indoctrination and purity culture. I was passionate about and devoted to my beliefs. I studied the Bible, went on many mission trips and church retreats, and surrounded myself with Christianity. Everything from my music tastes, clothing choices, the college I attended, relationships I chose, and the first job I took after graduating were all centered around my faith in Jesus and belief in God. My religion was the central hub of the wheel of my identity and every decision I made.

By 2008 at the age of 25, I had crafted a life completely ingrained in and shaped by Christianity. At the same time, something terrifyingly new had been stirring and bubbling within me. Many small ideas and wonderings began to build into big uncomfortable questions that shook my foundations. I began allowing myself to challenge assumptions and beliefs I'd never allowed myself to doubt or scrutinize before. It felt truly awful.

Against everything I'd ever known, I chose to leave my identity, community, and religion behind. This process was subtle at first, and it took time. I endured a painful personal death and rebirth cycle–completely changing how I saw every facet of my self, and how I approached the world. Back then, the word "deconstruction" in relationship to Christianity didn't exist in the zeitgeist, and for a long time I didn't know anyone else going through it. This journey was my own. It wasn’t caused directly by church trauma, but it shone a harsh light on the dark corners of my beliefs and revealed the life I was living was much like Oz controlled by a wizard behind the curtain. In my Sagittarius Moon conjunct Uranus & Jupiter style, I feel compelled seek the truth, and I’m willing to go the distance to find it—even if it rips me away from the very roots of who I thought I was.

Freedom Behind a Mask

The last time I wrote regularly and publicly, it was through my niche, yet successful blog GodlessGirl.com. Though some select people in my life knew about the blog (you lucky babes), typing this here is actually the first time I've shared my authorship publicly. I launched the site in 2009 along with a twitter account of the same name. I wrote under the name Godless Girl (GG) to give myself the safe cocoon of a pseudonym, allowing me to question, process, express anger, grieve, and form new beliefs and identity through my writing. This blog granted me an intimacy I've only experienced through anonymity. When it didn't feel safe to share my deconstruction process publicly, I had an icon and a nickname to cloak me and keep me protected.

Isn't it interesting how vulnerable we can allow ourselves to be when we don't put our name on it? For some, anonymity gives bloated confidence and the freedom to troll and abuse others in comment threads or on social media. For me, it was a sheltered gateway to say things I'd never had the courage to voice anywhere else–not to harm anyone, but to express my own frightening truth.

I used Godless Girl and my now-deactivated Twitter account of the same name to process the identity, worldview, and paradigm shifts underway within me. It felt safer to keep my tender heart and budding ideas hidden behind a curtain. I was terrified of being rejected and shunned by my family, friends, coworkers, and everyone who knew me. I felt completely and utterly alone, navigating the stormy seas of a dark night of the soul without a rudder, lighthouse, or friend.

The Confronting Work of Integrity

At this time, I worked “in the belly of the beast” (as a former friend laughingly told me) at a well-known evangelical Christian media ministry in the heart of an evangelical community. I started working there after college, but before deconstructing and deconverting from Christianity. I was so excited to be doing work that aligned with my values and faith.

I ended up staying in the job 6 years after deconverting—much longer than I expected due to, among other reasons, the economic recession of 2008. During this painful separation from the religion I'd been so completely devoted to since birth, I strongly considered leaving my position. I was determined to stay within my integrity. How could I be an atheist and still work at an evangelical Christian publication pushing out content about a religion I was so angry at and hurt by? How could I participate in mandatory group prayer in the office if I didn't believe there was a God? How could I stay true to myself while in hiding? I loved people I worked with and respected them personally. But was I respecting myself?

While everyone hunkered down to ride out the global financial decline, my manager told me, "You should just be grateful you still have a job." I was grateful, certainly, but trapped. I was terrified of losing my job during the recession or of being found out as a closeted atheist. I wrestled with this agonizing struggle for years, and it frayed my nervous system and my spirit.

It was a very real danger that I could be fired at any moment. The magazine I worked for published an article about how World Vision International–a non-profit Christian humanitarian aid org–was sued by employees they fired who didn't fit their theological requirements, and World Vision won the suit. This was another confirmation to me that I was at dire risk, and I should hide my truth from everyone–at work, personally, and online. Usually forthright and honest about who I was and what I believed (to the point of mission work and spreading the Gospel), I was now deeply in the closet and terrified of being found out for who I was.

The Liberty of My True Self

Despite this fear, I was happier and more fulfilled than I ever remembered being. I felt free for the very first time. Instead of policing my every thought for possible sinful ideas or reasons to shame myself, I used my mind to figure out who I am and what the wider world was like without the narrow gaze of judgement.

I lived for the most part (I qualify this because no belief system is a magic pill for mental health and joy) as a peaceful, content, and happy agnostic-atheist for nearly 14 years (just over one Jupiter cycle, as it happens). I rebuilt who I was from the ground-up. My values, worldview, dreams, and social connections all shifted as I asked myself who I was. I asked myself what I believed. I asked myself what I cared about and why. Atheism was a gateway of freedom for me. Atheism gave me the space and permission to find myself all over again and heal the trauma I inherited through indoctrination and the psychological manipulation of evangelical theology.

While an atheist, I healed sexual trauma; I realized I was queer; I chose polyamory as my relational framework; and I went back to therapy and got on a mixed bag of meds to manage the anxiety and depression that came with my growing pains, hard lessons, and life experience.

I also found peace in realizing not every single value or experience given to me by my family and Christianity was wrong or bad. I am endlessly grateful and blessed to have had the childhood that I had and the wonderful family and community I was raised in. Still, growing up doesn’t have to be totally awful for us to need healing, integration, transformation, and rebuilding.

I was always Me, you see–always Julia with the huge smile, warm hugs, enormous heart, and the desire to generously help and nurture others. I always valued community, deep connection, diversity, and the search for Truth. It didn't matter what my labels were; I would forever be Me.

GodlessGirl.com thrived for 4 years as a safe haven of written processing and community building–helping me through the shifts and changes going on inside of me while keeping me safe from the eyes of those in my personal life who could retaliate or shun me. In 2012, I officially closed the blog. My time of needing it was over. I was healing and not angry anymore. It was time to simply enjoy being myself, being honest, being free.

The Mask Is Off

So why am I writing about Godless Girl now? Why openly discuss what was before cloaked safely within anonymity? Because I'm transforming yet again. I've shifted my perspective of Self and belief system once more. And I don't want to hide it. I don't want to carry the fear of the past with me into my brilliant and expansive future. I don't want to worry if people will reject me or cut ties with me. I want to allow my genuine frequency of authenticity and love to broadcast widely and naturally. I want you to feel the real Julia even if that opens me up to be the recipient of other people’s uncomfortable feelings.

I am proud of how far I’ve come. Using my full name for my intuitive business and sharing my writing without a pseudonym means I've evolved and healed enormously through my journey. The mask has come off at last, and I have nothing to fear.

Sharing my spiritual evolution and gifts must be done in alignment with my integrity. I must be truthful about who I am, because I've spent too many years being afraid of being seen. Too many years afraid of a vengeful God or a hurt family member. Too many years staying small because of what others might think. Too many years letting other people's judgments, misunderstandings, and projections keep me behind false names and closed doors.

No one can fire me now. Literally—I was laid off from my corporate Project Management position last year 😹. I'm not at risk of being totally alone anymore. And even if I was, I want to live as a permission slip that you can go through revolutionary transformation in your own life and become more fulfilled, joyful, and complete with every new chapter of realization.

It‘a a lifelong process, my friend—not just one coming out or one sudden change or plot shift. Becoming yourself is an endurance hike (and sometimes a leisurely walk) through a beautiful landscape. Stop and take a look back now and then at how far you’ve come in your life. Honor that you are always becoming, always learning. Always expanding. Keep your heart and mind open to change, growth, learning, and exploration. It's worth all the upset and discomfort to be true to your curiosity, integrity, and values.

I am proof you can start your life as one extreme (a conservative evangelical Christian who thought she'd be a missionary), and then spend over a decade as another extreme (an agnostic atheist assuming this one life is all we have and there is no unseen reality). And after all that time and dedication to a worldview or paradigm, you can remain open to reconsidering everything all over again. This human evolution game never ends unless you cave to stagnancy. In the words of my soul sister and Crone, "Life will always give you another Fucking Growth Opportunity."

I had to let my ideological pendulum swing all the way to the extremes of belief so I could remember the eternal divine self within me. I had to abandon everything I was told to be true in order to find my own truth. And now the pendulum has swung again, but this time my paradigm of hope includes everyone and everything. The expansiveness of who I am now and what I believe about this world and our place in it can't be expressed easily. The deep and wild, the broad and beautiful.

Now my worldview includes you, no matter who you are and what path you're on. Now I realize that all paths lead to Enlightenment/Source/Oneness/God. Every single one. We simply do it in the framework of different cultures, time periods, religions or non-religions. We find our way by walking unique paths suited to the development and evolution our Souls chose in this lifetime. We are the Universe/Divine experiencing itself, ever learning, ever expanding. There is nothing beyond the love and light of the Divine.

I will always evolve. I will always learn and grow. I will always seek truth. I am who I am becoming. This is how my individual fractal of Source expresses itself. This is who my Soul is.

Don’t like this point of view? Does it feel strange to you? That’s okay with me; you’re not living my life or developing the same way as I am. Your way is perfect for you. You see, I’m done evangelizing. I’ll tell you what I think, but what you believe is always up to you. I'm not policing you–I promise. Your truth and my truth don't need to match in order for us to live in peace and community together. Everyone is welcome at the table of Love. Come feast.

I put my name on it because I want you to know who I am. I want to be seen. I want to rise above the old fears and habits that kept me small and silent. I want to stand for the glorious evolution of humanity in every lifetime and over many lifetimes. I want my name to be associated not with fear or smallness, but with radical authenticity and truth-seeking. With wild love and grace for all beings.

I am Julia King Boone, and I am The Growing Intuitive