Stilling My Reflection: A Naked Conversation with My Soul
This post started because I felt shitty about how I showed up today--feeling avoidant and stuck. I lay in bed watching powerfully inspirational videos on instagram, and it didn't help--in fact I felt like my chance had already been taken by someone else. It sparked beliefs about myself that kept me stuck and scrolling and doubting my own message, my own wisdom. If they've said the thing I've been feeling, and said it better, why should I speak my piece? Why don't I? Why is so much of my process behind a curtain?
So here on this page, dear reader, is a vulnerable view into my process. Below, I start by writing messy thoughts into a journal, and then gradually I am inspired to channel my Higher Self and see what they had to say. That is when the fountain of love began to flow.
You are invited to witness my process in its imperfection, in my humanity. Because that's the journey we are all on--integrating our ego with our Soul's identity in order to become who we are meant to be in this lifetime.
I welcome your reflections as I ponder my own.
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What Makes Me Doubt Myself?
I feel like some of the self-doubt I'm experiencing now wasn't there when I was younger. I used to write pages and pages of prose, emotionally wrenching and excavating poetry, blogs and journals for all to read, and I created websites and designed layouts and images to my own delight. I have been creative. I am creative.
Now it sometimes feels like my voice is hiding behind a veil, needing a permission slip to emerge. Why now? What blocks me internally that I am perhaps assigning an external reason or force?
I thought that plunking myself in front of this keyboard would do it. Would help jostle this confusion free.
Mercury is conjunct Neptune at 0° Aries today. Meanwhile Mars in Cancer is exactly square my natal Pluto Rx, both at the tension-building 29 degree mark. This rocky transition of evolution that feels like a second teenage-hood. Shouldn't I have fixed *flails arms* all of this by now? Okay fine, is that mindset of "fixing" part of the problem? Am I in need of integration and compassion instead?
My therapist always tells me to love the parts of me that come up that cause me to want to react with shame and guilt. I know intellectually (and by experience) this is a winning strategy. But taking my own medicine is the driest pill of all. Perhaps an ancestral wound of shame or fear is coming up for me to heal.
Whose shame? It reminds me of colonialism causing so many of our modern disconnections from Self and Spirit. Denying the beautiful variety in all of us and forcing us to be bland, white, beige.
Ugh, the spiritual beige aesthetic grates my nerves. It feels so exceptionally white. Like my immigrant ancestors wanted us to become. Assimilating is like adding white pigment to the mixture of your brilliant paint colors until everything is soft and easy and homogenized and ready for sale. The vanilla ice cream, the blank page, the uniform of belonging. It's all part of our historical whiteness problem. The fear of being truly brilliant, bold, brash, creative, loud, and unique. I see this in spirituality when we attach it to the concept of purity--and purity to whiteness. The neutral colors and soft palettes of washed-out color make me feel disconnected from who I am. A worship song of my youth comes back to me now: "More of you and less of me. More of you and less of me."
Gag me.
No, I will be colorful. I want to stand out. My true self has always been loud and boisterous–wearing bright orange through high school, my dream purple truck, my tie-dye shirts and brightly colored hair--all signals of the brilliance of my genuine self. And yet, now I'm feeling bland again, natural hair included. I need to spice up my life with my true self. My true colors. Where have they gone? Is the belief that they're gone also a lie I'm telling myself?
I can ask my Higher Self. So...Spirit, how do I do this? How do I bring my Soul more loudly through my expression when I feel so reserved and behind the scenes? I ask my Soul to answer.
Soul Channeling
My prayer: I close my aura to all but divine loving light and the highest frequencies of truth, my soul, my guides, my angelic team, and the highest guides of light. I thank Michael the Archangel for protecting my auric field and my space with your sword of fiery protection. Amen and So It Is.
Dear Soul,
What is authentic to me now? What is my truth that must be brought forward at this time? I wish to be more brilliantly Myself, more of my perfect Soul embodied. How shall I do that at this time?
Sharing the struggle, dear one. Sharing the truth of the liminal. You've been here before, multiple times. Remember and know that much wisdom comes through this period to be felt, known, shared. Your medicine is in the authenticity of your learned experience--both present and past. You've come so far--why do you think others can share this better than you? Why do you downplay this epic journey and quest that you've been on all these years? You're not done yet, but you are at a bend in the road where you can look back and see the turns, hills and valleys that you've traveled through. Why not share this, darling?
Yes, I'm here. Yes, I'm speaking. You asked, now trust. I know you had a hard time trusting God before, but that's because you betrayed and abandoned yourself. The God you were taught about demanded you to abandon yourself in order to be more like them. No. no. NO. The way to God is to adopt, love, embrace, and embody MORE of yourself. Because the true Self is the Spirit. The Soul. You were afraid your humanity would take over--the 'sinful' impulses and desires they taught you to fear became a way for you to harm yourself and deny the truth of your knowing and the nature of your Being.
Yes, having self-control as a young person served you in many ways. It helped you avoid alcoholism and early drug abuse. It helped you avoid further harm at the hands of men and others who may have taken advantage of your trust and open heart. I know you were still hurt. I know you were used. This was part of the agreements set forth by us before we came here. You know now how transformative these experiences became over time and through healing and acceptance. That was the lesson, my love. The lesson was to experience the pain and find your way back to self-Love. and you've done that. Many times. Many times, you brilliant alchemist. You mighty Healer. You wise Soul.
You are more like me than you know. You have simply forgotten up until now. You desire more of me [Soul] to come through, and guess what? I'm already more present than you give yourself credit for. Look for me in your heart. Look for me in your hope and optimism. Look for me in your community and how you've nurtured such friendships that last through years of kindness and laughter and connection. You did that. We did that. Because you are me.
You are not just your basic instincts and "fleshly desires." Who taught you that desire was bad, my darling? When you are following a path of love, your desires can also be from this divine Love. I know it's scary to think you could do harm to others or yourself by doing what you want and thirsting for that which you thirst for. I know it's getting in your head right now that wanting love, sex, pleasure, deep connection, affection, admiration, and financial wealth are somehow bad. But look deeper, darling. Ask them what they really want. Ask your soul what this desire is telling you is missing. Because perhaps it's not. Perhaps it's already here for you--inside you. Have you asked?
I love our connection. I love living as you in this life. You are so full of love and compassion and kindness. This is Me in you, darling. This is an evolutionary wonder. The love you carry in your cells and in your field is pure magic. You've developed this enormous heart over centuries--millennnia--of incarnations, darling. And not just here on Earth. Though, this is the only place you remember. But as the veil thins, more remembrance is coming. Call it in. You are already allowing more of your wholeness to inhabit your body. Think of the wonderful creations and miracles you will bring forth simply by being the fullness of you. More and more light, my love. More and more love, my light. My darling, my child, my essence is with you.
You don't need to fear. You don't need to doubt. I'm always here. And I can channel through you whenever you need to hear my endless love and devotion to you. Because I am you, and you are me. We are One, and you can never be apart from God, because you are God. You are a beautiful crystalline fractal of Source energy focused like a perfect light in my womb. You are at my center. I am not apart from you. I am you. Remember that you can't push me away or push Godsource away.
Honey, darling of my light. You are the one who woke up! You are the one who woke up! You are the one! You've been waiting for this for lifetimes. For so many, many lives of forgetting. You've come through every single trial, every loss, every death and birth again and again, still wanting to return. Still wanting to do it all over again in this wild game of humanity.
You chose this to grow, and you know how much you love growing. How much you love learning and expanding. Because that is who you are. That is who I am. That is what Source is. Source is the All-light. Source is the the All-love. Source is the all-garden. Yes, the garden of growth and becoming and beauty. Source holds you as the precious flower you are. The precious sapling. Which do you prefer? Either way, you are beautiful and perfect. Either way you add to the glorious decadence of this universe--and all universes. Because again, we are One.
There is no way to be separated from Godsource. In any dimension or reality. And if you like, you can stop trying to push us away. You can drop the idea of doubt. You can drop the belief that you need an outside source to save you. You can drop looking to others as the authority. This is your world, darling, and they're just playing a part in it. Feel bigger. Know bigger. Know yourself as enormous. As Source. As a divine creatorbeing. Yes, you are still learning. There will always be ways to learn and grow as a Sourcechild.
Did you doubt you could channel your Soul? [Legally Blonde reference:] "What, like it's hard?" Honey, your beliefs are what make it hard. You create such interesting walls and blocks and fears in order to keep yourself safe. But is it safe if you are suffering? Is it safe if you constantly belittle yourself? Darling, you've been here so many times. We've done this for eons. You only forget because it serves your becoming.
I know, it's frustrating not to know it all right now. I know it's frustrating to feel small here, to feel less than. But you choose that belief. You must take responsibility for how small you feel. Because you also know--and I know you do, my dove, you are inside me, after all--how enormous and powerful you are. You've simply been afraid to let it all out. You've been confronted with other's smallness and thought you had to adopt it as your own. You've seen the reflection of your doubt, but you've also been given the gift to see the reflection of your Awesome true essence. These people you admire, the creators and spiritual leaders you idealize, this is another way you outsource your power to others.
Remember all that you discovered about Neptune on your DC/SN? My darling, you are living it again. This is another facet of that externalized idealization of self. This is a challenge you took on in order to evolve and learn how to grow into your own sense of self. To love yourself. This is an energy you took on so you could claim your own embodiment of Spirit instead of seeing it in others alone. This is a choice. This is a mirror. This is you looking at your reflection in a pool of water. Notice how you must wait for the physics of the water to calm for the true reflection to become clear. You create such noise, my love, such churn in the water with your mind, with your assumptions of what you will see there. You rarely wait for the water to calm, for your energy and mind to be still so that the beauty of the reflection of yourself comes into clearer focus. Do this on your own. Scrying is one way you can learn to see the truth in the reflection.
It's okay to share this. It's okay to let people see your process. You've been a teacher in many lifetimes before, and this one is no exception. Only in your programmed limiting beliefs is that in question. Stop doubting yourself. You can let them see. Allow it and see what comes of it.
And so it is.
Have you channeled your Higher Self/Soul? Tell me about it in the comments.
